Me, unplugged, again:
I mentioned in a previous post that I have struggled with
anger. It started about 4 years ago, and at that time it was mainly during a
certain time of the month, only it was MUCH worse than what had previously been
normal for me. My doctor prescribed a couple different anti-depressants, but the first one
gave me migraines and the second one gave me a rash. So I decided I would have
no more of that. I started taking St. John’s Wort, and that helped quite a bit
with the anger, but not 100%.
This past Spring I did my first Beth Moore Bible study. The
study was called “Believing God” and I have to admit I was a bit skeptical
about it at first, because I’m always skeptical about "Christian" products. I can’t even begin to explain how timely it was
in my life. About a month into it (March of 2012), I started having all kinds
of weird physical symptoms like shortness of breath, light headedness, trouble
sleeping, extreme exhaustion, etc. Convinced I had a heart or lung problem, I
went to the doctor, and was diagnosed with stress-induced-anxiety. She wanted
to put me on an anti-depressant/anxiety medication. I agreed to try it, but the
more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I did NOT want to take
it. Sure, part of it was pride – I didn’t want to be one of “those” people who
can’t solve their own problems and need drugs to help them feel better. (Not
judging – everyone has to do what they feel is best. Just being honest about my
feelings). But it was mostly the simple fact that I prefer the natural over the
medical whenever possible. AD’s are known to be difficult to get off of, as
well as for dulling ALL of the emotions, not just the negative ones. So my
wonderful, supportive husband and I brainstormed some ways to reduce stress in my
life. We decided that the kids could pitch in more with daily chores, and got
them on a weekly dishes/floors/bathrooms routine.
It has helped tremendously, but true healing had to happen
within my heart and soul as well. The week of my appointment, the topic in Bible
study was “I am who God says I am.” I’ve forgotten the details, but the one
thing that stands out in my mind is that she said the devil will take
our insecurities about ourselves, and make us believe that they are true. My
own insecurities stem from the {false} belief that I have to be REALLY GOOD at
EVERYTHING that is good to do. I have to be A REALLY GOOD wife, a REALLY GOOD
mom (and within those two categories alone there are countless other things to
have to be REALLY GOOD at). I have to make nutritious, homemade meals that my
kids actually like. I have to keep my body physically fit – for my health, and
also for my husband (I don’t want to become unattractive to him). I have to be
a REALLY GOOD housekeeper, because it would be horrible if someone came over
and saw my messy house. I have to be involved in the community, involved at
church, involved at my kids’ school. I have to help my kids with their
homework, and with their friends, and make sure they’re really great, amazing
kids so nobody thinks I’m a bad parent. The list is endless. And I become
insecure about myself when I feel like I’m not measuring up to what I “should”
be. When I saw that perspective – that I’m convinced that my insecurities about
myself are true – I was able to recognize them for the lies they are. So my
house is a mess. So I get grumpy sometimes. I can’t possibly be perfect at
EVERYTHING all the time. I can’t
possibly be super involved in EVERYTHING. And I DON’T HAVE TO. I am who GOD
says I am, not who the world or society says I should be, or who the devil says I am,
or even who I think I am, or who I think
I want to be.
In addition to spiritual healing, I also knew I needed
physical healing. I contacted my friend from high school who is a Certified
Naturopath (I think of it as kind of like a “healer” of the olden days – I love
it!). I asked her for a recommendation for treating anxiety naturally,
expecting her to tell me the name of an herbal supplement. She told me that the
best thing for most health concerns is a clean diet, meaning fresh food, not
factory produced or processed. I started praying for God to open doors for me to
feed my family natural, fresh food. Since then I have found a local farmer to buy milk and eggs from,
another local farmer from whom I have bought beef and chickens, and I’ve been
able to purchase locally processed clean lard from the farmer’s market. I
also spent all summer buying about 75% of my produce from local produce stands
and/or the farmer’s market.
Once I realized what my problem was, I was able to see the
correlation between stress and anxiety. Whenever I felt that 5 different things
were demanding my attention at the exact same time, I would start to panic. If
I came home from the grocery store at lunch time, I didn’t know what to do first.
Let the dogs out? Make lunch? Put the
groceries away? Take meat out of the freezer for dinner? Everything seemed to
scream at me “TAKE CARE OF ME RIGHT NOW!!!!” Sounds crazy, I know. My therapy
for those moments was to make tea. At first it was a physical remedy – herbal tea
is calming, so if I feel panicked, I should make tea. After a while I realized
that the very act of pausing to make tea gave me a few minutes to order my
priorities, and by the time the tea was made I was already feeling better. Over
time, the panic attacks have become less frequent and less severe.
It has been about 6 months now since that initial
appointment with the doctor, and I am starting to have some huge victories. In
the past 2 months I have had only the beginning of one panic attack. I quickly
stamped it out. Last month I had NO emotional symptoms of PMS whatsoever – I don’t
think that has ever happened in my life. For the past several weeks I have been
feeling more like the “old me.” The happy, peaceful, roll-with-life’s-punches,
laid back girl I used to be. This morning started with a series of events that,
several months ago, would have sent me to the kitchen for my dose of “Tension
Tamer,” but today none of it even phased me. It helps that my children are now
all 3 and older (boy was the infant/toddler stage ROUGH)! It has taken some time, but I have begun to
re-train my brain and my body not to react to those stressful moments in
negative ways. And I am being healed in body and in soul. When somebody asks
how I’m doing, rather than
just nodding my head and giving the ambiguous answer of, “I’m ok,” (which
actually means “not great, but I don’t really want to talk about it”), I can honestly answer, “I am doing really well.”
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